the final book page

I finished all the pages for Marissa's unbound book - this is the last one here. I clean my paint brushes on sheets of translucent waxed sandwich paper, and this is a collage glueing together torn pieces. I tied the pages together into a bundle with vintage ribbon, wrapped it in white and pale pink tissue, and tucked it into this little leather suitcase I found at the thriftstore and has been the receptacle of all the pages from the start. (I covered the inside of the little suitcase with cheery vintage-looking wallpaper and it has a clean, fresh feeling). I topped the tissue-wrapped bundle with a love note, a small tied bundle of fragrant lavender, and sprinkled dried rose petals over the top. It looks beautiful, I'm pleased.

a few more

I had fun yesterday afternoon playing in the studio. These are two pages I completed for Marissa's book. I'm enjoying this project so much, as I consciously put my love and prayers into each piece. And I just got a call from my girl this weekend, and she's meeting lots of people (thanks to my very connected cousin whom she's living with), she's even going out, and enjoying herself - a lot!! Just three weeks after the 'non-wedding' and she's finding life does go on and how.

celebrating 26 years together

Walter and I are celebrating our 26th wedding anniversary; gosh it doesn't seems possible and yet so much has happened during that time. These are some photos of us when we first met - doesn't Walter look dashingly handsome? What an odd couple we were, he had been attending graduate school and I had been hitch-hiking around the country, sleeping outdoors under the stars most of the time, and finding work when I needed money. Needless to say, his parents were NOT impressed with me initially - I was 10 years younger than Walter and a bit *airy* (still am). I chose to go back to school after we had been married awhile, I'd had both the girls, and had settled down. It all seems like a life time ago...

a work in progress

We woke to humid warm temperatures; it didn't cool off much all night from the 105 degree heat we had in Belfair yesterday. I can't ever remember such high temperatures here in July. The air is still, not the hint of a breeze - just warm, heavy, and still.

One of the ways I'm coping with Marissa moving away, is doing artwork and journaling. I found a stack of 6" x 8" matboard scraps at the thrift store, all different colors. The called out to be pages in a book; and the little brown leather suitcase I found for a song, called out for recovering inside so it could become the new home to my pages. So, I covered the inside with some lovely wallpaper and suddenly it is so much fun to open and close it to see and handle all the pages I've done so far. I'll be sending the book to Marissa when I finish it - it seemed like the nearest thing to a piece of my heart I can share with her right now.

As Time Passes

Marissa has made her way to the Twin Cities and is really enjoying it there. She's exploring the possibly of attending the College of St. Catherine to finish her degree if she stays on and after she establishes residency. She's already got her eye on a little studio apartment walking distance from the college and her cousins' house. I can hear the hints of sadness and homesickness in her voice, and everything here feels so different, so sad, knowing she no longer lives and works nearby. Still, I feel so much gratitude for this amazing opportunity that wrapped it's arms around her right after the devastating wedding fiasco, and the love and direction she's receiving from extended family.

I found myself working out lots of my feelings in the July journal pages I did for Kathy Wasilewski's calender journal, a round robin I'm in with 11 other MMCA members. This first page is a collage I did in 2004 when I took a workshop on Whidbey Island with Claudine Hellmuth -it seems an appropriate opening to head up the following pages.

THE WEDDING ... that never was

after days of me crying and letting go, letting go, letting go
the day before the wedding
there was the rehearsal
and then the rehearsal dinner - his family and hers and wedding party
my family described the way walter and i looked as 'stricken' like we were attending a funeral
his family was offensive and rude to ours
at 9:00 AM the day of the wedding
he called M and said he was calling off the wedding
unless she signed the pre-nup
(her attorney had looked over the the pre-nup he had sprung on her and said it was awful,
and would be a terrible mistake to sign it - that it practically needed to be rewritten it was so bad, and there was not time to do it before the wedding)
M was strong, she stook firm and said NO, she would not sign it until after the wedding when both of their attorneys had worked on it and had come to agreement
(this whole prenup his family set up for him is a joke - he is no bill gates!!)

So, he called off the wedding.

hours before the
flowers were to arrive
the cake
the catered dinner for 125 guests
the DJ
the photographer
guests arriving at the gate
guests who had flown in from all over the country

she was devasted as you can imagine. but deep within her, she knows she will live through it. and I think she even believes me when I tell her she can create a much better life for herself now. I am so very proud of her, it would have been so easy to cave under all his family's pressure that morning, but she didn't - as much as she loved him, she stood firm, she held her ground.

My nephew and his family in the Twin Cities (St. Paul) were there - such beautiful and generous people. They have invited her to come and stay with them for a while. They are in their late thirties, have a huge beautiful home and are very connected with lots of people and activities. They have two beautiful young daughters who adore M and visa-versa. She will have a room/bathroom in their home that is like a mini suite. There she will have weeks or even months if she likes, to explore Minneapolois and St. Paul, the University, her heart and mind, and to grieve, while being surrounded by family who love her and offer her their strength. She will see a whole new world this much so much different from this little community she has lived in all her life. This will be the very first time she has lived away from here, far away from us - what an incredible opportunity for a 23 year old woman to make a fresh start. She's driving her car, and her sister will ride with her then fly back. My heart is so very sad for her, seeing her in so much pain, but also light with joy in knowing a much better life is ahead of her. As much as I'd miss her, I'm secretly hoping she falls in love with the area and decides to move there, find a job, and go back to school. Whatever she decides will be fine with me though - I'm just grateful she has this time and space to heal.

I hear my voice

Girls Time Out

I had the best time and I just had to share with my blogger friends. My daughters and I took off for the ocean for a 'girls time out'. We rented a room on the beach and spent the following 24 hours playing, giggling, and enjoying one another. We decided we wanted to make this a more frequent tradition. The girls rented beach bikes while I took off walking with my camera. It was very crowded, lots of folks with fireworks and kites, and horseback riding too. My girls love activities, so this was a great place for them; me, I prefer a quiet deserted beach where I can walk for hours, picking up treasure and getting lost in the thundering sounds of the crashing waves. I got that chance early the next morning, while the girls slept, I took a 3 hour walk on the beach - the tide was out so the sand was pristine, my footprints leaving their mark along with the seagulls. I could have easily spent the entire day walking that beach, it was exactly what I needed to restore my spirit and soul. These are the treasures I found on my wanderings. I also saw lots of crabs waiting for the tide to carry them back out to the sea, a beautiful starfish, lots of jelly fish, and clams disappearing into their deep sandy holes. My heart was bursting with gratitude as I walked the shore and I asked the sea how I could repay her for sharing her abundance with me. The answer I got a while later, was to make art with my treasures, to just make art!! So I started working on a piece last night and it feels like it's making itself. My reservoir feels filled again as I re-enter my hectic world.

On hiatus for a time

I'll be taking a blogging break during this very hectic time. I'll be back in a couple weeks after the wedding. I hope you're all enjoying your summer, I sure am!!

It Feels Like Summer

We've had record breaking heat here in the Pacific Northwest for the past two days; temperatures in the nineties which is something you rarely ever see here in June. People are heading to the water in droves, which is where Heather, Jeff, and the kids went this afternoon. Walter was at work (as usual) and I opted to stay home, and bask in the quiet! We're spending lots of time outside, sitting in the shade during the day. I haven't done any art but hope to do a bit this evening, we'll see...

Life's Simple Pleasures

Yes, the gang arrived yesterday and last night was just one big happy love-fest, all of us grateful to be together again. This is what Violet found interesting when my back was turned; ah, the simple joys of pulling tissues out of a box, one by one, and flinging them into soft piles wherever they may land. My plans for homemade soup changed to roast chicken and pasta salad as the weather here felt too warm to really enjoy soup. It was all quite delicious. Ethan asked me to tell him a story before lights out, so we composed one together, one about a little boy (names Ethan, of course) who road his bike and came upon a treasure-box filled with gold, diamonds and pearls; - he gave the pearls to his little sister Violet. He had a bike that could turn into a fast motorcycle on demand, and the little boy could fly even though he had no wings, without even flapping his arms. I feel very blessed to be invited to enter his world and share his adventures; more photos forthcoming.

*M* is for Mystery

Have you ever driven by a thrift store and felt a tug to pull over, that something special may be waiting for you? It happens to me on occasion, and when it does, I listen to it, and many of those times I have come away with some little treasure. It was going to be my lucky day again! There sitting outside the store on an old table was *M*. My hands were all over it at once, opening the hinged lid, happily surprised to see the green faded velvet lining inside. On the top is a large *M*, inlaid in a lighter wood. One of the bottom corners of the letter is missing, along with a big chip on one edge, and lots of scratches on the top. The price tage read 50 cents. I found my mind wonderiing about *M* who s(he) was, and what they kept in that velvet lined box. I don't know what I'll do with it, but I knew it was coming home with me.

Today Heather, Jeff,and the grandkids arrive - I'm so excited!! I had big hopes about how the house would look, all clean and tidy, even my studio would be in order. Well, here it is, the day of, and the house still needs more cleaning and tidying, the living room sits half painted, the flower bed desperately needs weeding, - you get the picture. It's true, I have been working long hours on art projects and other comittments that are now complete. But it's also true that I have squandered time I have had these past two days, allowing myself to get... *distracted*. This is how it often goes; I'll start cleaning, then look out the window and notice the way the sun is falling so beautifully on the meadow, the shadows, the shimmering leaves, and what I'm doing feels totally unimportant as I grab my camera and head outside. Or, I decide it's such a beautiful day, that the dogs and I need to take a least 2 walks. Or, I get a compelling idea that *demands* my attention, so off to the studio I run. So now it's Friday, and many of the things on my "to do list" remain undone. The odd thing is, the older I get, the less these "housework failures" torment me, and that feels freeing. I'm going to give it my best shot today, see how much I can get done, and then make a pot of homemade soup; when they open the door, the smell will tell them we've been waiting for them, that we love them, that they are so special to us, and that they are *home*. (Did you know that good homemade soup is magic that way?)

An Art Marathon

I spent the entire day yesterday, from 7 AM till almost midnight (with the exception of a few small breaks), working on Sally Turlington's journal. The theme she chose for her altered calendar is "Not Yo Mama's Michelangelo & Da Vinci" - what a hoot! I worked on the month of June in the book. This is part of a year long journal collaboration with a group of talented artists from MMCA. Oh my goodness, the work already in this book is beautiful and inspiring; so much so that it's always a bit difficult to begin that first page. But begin I did, and I kept at it until I was finished. Doing this many pages in a day is a first for me, but knowing my daughter and family with be arriving in 3 days made it important for me to get it done while it was quiet, and I could put my whole heart into it.

my latest project

I designed a scarf with vintage kimono silk fabric for a special project, it was fun. I included image transfers I made on silk, hand stitching, stamping with textile paints, and embellishing with buttons and beads. It was hard to photo all of it at once, so I did it in two sections included a close-up. I think I may be designing a similar one, but a bit wider with fringe, for a shawl.

feeling a bit blue

These flowers caught my eye at the grocery store yesterday, sitting all alone in the flower tub, surrounded by bright sprays of golden yellow and white daisies, crimson mums, and the other more common flowers. I was hypnotized by the beauty of the single varigated blue and violet petals that delicately surrounded the nubbly golden centers. Without another thought I bought the entire bunch. When I got back to my car, I positioned the brown paper grocery bag so as not to disturb the flowers that were delicated positioned in the bag's center, the whole lot gently leaning towards the front seat. It was only then that I noticed one of the flower heads doubled over, snapped at the neck. I picked up the bouquet and as I examined it further, I noticed several of the other flowers had broken necks as well. I had been so enchanted with the rich color and texture of the whole arrangement, that I had neglected to see the individual flowers. That probably explains why no one else had bought them. It was a good lesson for me, reminding me how limited my sight can be when I get carried away in the moment with emotion, and how very different that reality can look when I look deeply and really "see". I put all the beautiful little petal heads into a water-filled crystal bowl that had once belonged to my mother. I actually like the arrangement in the bowl better than the stalks now in the vase. Everything feels a bit sad and poignant today. As the wedding steadily approaches, I'm having to let go of my baby girl, in yet a different and new way, yet another stage of being a parent. I remember so clearly when her dad and I were the loves of her life. Although it was a long time ago that she was that tiny little girl, this wedding is another severing, another reminder that she has moved on without me. I know it's a good thing, it's the best, raising our children to be strong and independent. It's just so hard each time we have to let go, yet again.

Walter is getting a half hour dance lesson today. He's meeting Marissa at the studio. They'll get a private half-hour session to familiarize him with the basic moves he'll need to know for the father-of-the-bride/bride dance. Marissa chose the song "Daddy's Little Girl" by Al Martino...I KNOW there is going to be some very wet eyes during that dance :-)

like chocolate?

I have to share - I just discovered a bit of heaven, a bar called 'Ritter Sport'. It is made in Germany, dark chocolate with a marzipan filling. OMG!!!! And I just found out that they've been around for a long time and come in lots of flavors. No more for me until after the wedding; fitting into my dress is already a tight squeeze :-)

new books and a movie

We rented the movie Winged Migration, what a beautiful film, really amazing. The documentary film took three years to make and focuses on the migratory pattern of several birds over all seven continent. There was very little narrative, just amazing photography of birds in flight, their habits and the incredible scenery of our planet. The wide range of music was choreographed to fit the scenes and they did a wonderful job. Meditative, heart wrenching in parts, and just beautiful.

And the mail brought me 3 books I bought on a splurge - these will probably be the last in a while as we're on a new and quite frugal budget - so I'm especially I got these in under the wire!!

Quilted Memories by Lesley Riley
Collage Unleashed by Traci Bautista
Alphabetica by Lynn Perrella

I'm looking forward to curling up on the couch and feasting my eyes on all the delicious eye candy.

the power of words

I'm reflecting, what do I really know about any of this, I want to know but I don't really *know*. The older I get, the less i know. But as I've gotten older and hopefully wiser,I have taken on some beliefs, and one of them is I no longer underestimate the dynamic power of words, thinking them, saying them, believing or disbelieving them. If I don't believe something, I best not put it into words and say it. The power begins to sprout in thoughts, putting down roots that grow deeper with repeated attention and tending, waiting for the thought or belief to be spoken aloud, taken out into the sunlight, where it can crystalize, manifest, and grow. I find that tending my mind, and all the thoughts that take shape there, is a rigorous and never ending job, I try as best I can to remain vigilant and faithful; removing the lies, what would do me damage, or hold me back, and acknowledging and nurturing those thoughts which move me in the direction of discovering my authentic self, what I long to know and be, what I am. At almost 50 years old, I'm still such a beginner at all this. On good days,I begin my day with this goal in mind; to be aware and curious. It sounds easy, it's not; I try to do my best, I'm human, that's all I can do, and I try to be kind to myself when I don't do so well.

Which brings me to the conversation that prompted all this inner investigation and clarification. My lovely daughter, my youngest, is making the final preperations for her July 8th wedding. She had her first fitting a couple weeks ago, here's a picture of her in the fitting room, she's a beautiful woman, inside and out - I'm so proud of her.



She and her sister were raised in a liberal and free-thinking environment, we've always encouraged them to think for themselves, listen to their intuition, and follow their heart and dreams. She wants to get married, she wants to have a family. She's a junior in college, going part time now, and also loves being a student. She is marrying into a family that is almost exactly opposite from the one she grew up in - conservative, traditional, definately not free thinkers...I don't believe she yet sees what she's getting into, but she will learn. We've had several talks about marriage, about it being the coming together of two unique and individual people as equal partners. That is what she wants and expects.

They were going to meet with the officiant yesterday, a woman. That was a problem initially as the groom wanted a man conducting the service ( i start hearing alarm bells). A man was unavailable on that date so they *settled* for the woman. My daughter told me on the phone yesterday than O** wants the officiant to make the announcement at the end of the service: "and now I introduce Mr. and Mrs. O**** HisLast Name". He felt adamant about it, it's traditionalal. And he wanted the phrase "man and wife" not "husband and wife". OMG!!!!! I am horrified! When my husband learned this he said "your're going to have to have a good talk to her about this". Which I did, that day, before their appointment with the officiant. I learned she didn't want these things, she'd expressed it, and they'd gone back and forth on it - the compromise was "husband and wife" but the "Mrs O** LastName" would stay, he was fixed on that. She told me she went along with it because she didn't want yet another fight. He said it was traditional, and it was no big deal. We talked about how not all traditions are inherently good, it's a very good thing when the bad ones are extinguished - like slavery, women not having the right to vote, etc.
I reminded her how women had spent years fighting for this very change in wording because of the power in the words - the handing over of ones identity in that one sentence. She was no longer a Kendrick, she gives up her birth name, and with his version, she gives up her first name as well - she is now a MRS O....sounds a bit like property I'd say. I'm quite impassioned about this issue and when we were done talking she understood why, and had a sick feeling inside when she thought about going throught it, and was actually mad that he'd pushed for it. YAY!!! If she listened to me and decided she wanted to go through with it anyway, I wouldn't have said another word, I will respect her decision. But I don't want to see her compromise on something so important, something that diminishes her, all for the sake of keeping the peace - if it were me, it would be a deal breaker. He's probably not going to like me, he probably already doesn't. I can't help that, I will always support my daughter on her journey towards becoming her authentic self, as I will support him if he wants it, it's up to him.

finding my way

this collage is combined with a photo i took on a river walk this evening

Gathering Petals

I've been enjoying my old fashioned roses for the past month. Yes, they are wild, strong-willed, and often out of control, but I do love them. When I look at them, i feel happy and warm, much like the feeling I had visiting my grandma's house when i was a child. They look so *old fashioned*, in their butter yellow, pale pink, and crimson petals, climbing up and over our front porch railing. But alas, all good things do come to an end... they are now losing their petals and I feel a bit sad. It's time, once again, for me to give them a fearless pruning, and then just watch and wait, hoping for a second bloom in late summer.

I worked all day yesterday and on into the evening, getting everything ready to go out UPS today - I was hoping I would be done early so I could spend a day on the beach, the weather was perfect! But, I am thrilled that I did it, that I started it and that I finished it - the CPS article is done, the dolls packed up and it's all ready to go. Doing this has helped bolster my self confidence, which is something I seem to struggle with a lot. Now I'm telling myself, "see, you CAN do it, and you can do more, MUCH more!". I'm hoping if I keep encouraging myself in this way, and keep taking on new challenges and facing my fears, that I will evenutally believe, it with my whole heart.

I hope you all have a lovely summer day!